All I Know About Food Allergies, I Learned From Baseball

1. There's No Crying In Baseball! No wishing for a life without food allergies. No thinking about how easy vacations would be, or how limited restaurant choices are. No looking at the neighbor's horrible brat and wishing you could transfer the allergy to him. No pity parties, period. Every kid gets something, and you can't always see what they're dealing with. Just play the game.

2. Cover Your Own Territory. Yes, I'm sure I'm a great shortstop...and left fielder...and even pitcher. But I have my own game to play at my own position. I cannot save the rest of the team. (Repeat it to yourself, FAB - you cannot save the rest of the team! Stay off those unmoderated chat boards!) I cannot change how they play their game. A "you go, girl!" or a positive, very respectful tip once the inning is over is all I can do. When I start telling other players they're doing it wrong, or there's only one way to do it, it's probably time to take a time out.

3. Keep Your Eye On The Ball. It's not about food additives, or vaccines or GMO. It's about food allergies. We need to avoid the foods we need to avoid. On the other hand, I need to commit to giving him every last food he can have, even if it makes me uncomfortable. Even if he used to be allergic and outgrew it (especially this -- keeping foods in the diet may be protective).

The day I start controlling through food is the day I start losing the game. It takes all my energy just to be a good food allergy player.

4. Give Up On Not Getting Dirty. I want everyone to like me! I don't want to slide into 2^nd . But...let's face it. The other mothers in this game want their kids to win too. I need to come ready to play, focused on my own team.

It doesn't do any good to vilify the other team. It just sucks away my energy and focus. They don't care, or even know, that I'm wasting time hating on them. Let it go and save the energy for what happens on the field.

On the other hand, competition gets the juices flowing. Right? (And if your cleats are up...she probably deserved it.)

5. Games Are Won Because Skills Are Solid. It takes time to master a skill. It takes comprehensive accurate instruction, followed by years of practice.

First, I need to understanding the theory. That means learning and finding a good coach. Just as we don't learn baseball from only listening to the other kids in the dugout, we don't learn food allergies by only listening to the other mothers who may know less than we do.

Then, we need to practice, practice, practice. Malcolm Gladwell theorized that it takes 10,000 hours of practice to master a discipline. It's going to take 10,000 outings (and probably 5000 reminders) before my kid always takes his meds with him. It's going to take 10,000 meals to feel comfortable with ingredients and substitutions. I need to cut myself a break if I'm not in the Major Leagues after my first year. Everybody's a rookie at some point.

6. Respect the Ump. Umps are human. Doctors are human. They do the best they can with the information in front of their eyes. They have the best interest of the players in mind. Question the plays, not the man. (Or woman.)

Asking for one change of ump in a league might be understandable. But, when you're complaining about umps over and over, you gotta ask where the problem really lies.

7. When It's Your Turn At Bat, Give It All You Got. There are a lot of bad pitches. You do have to have a good eye to avoid NAET, and hazelwood necklaces and special, magic blood tests. But, when the right treatment comes along, swing for the fences. Don't let the fear of getting hit by the ball stop you.

Lots of people get hit by the ball. It's part of the game. A reaction during a food challenge is not the end of the world. The coaches and umps will throw you an ice pack and the game will go on.

If you never step up to the plate, you're definitely never going to get on base.

8. Call The Ball. Does it feel like you're catching everything that's even remotely in your territory and the guy standing next to you is asleep? WAKE HIM UP! There's nothing wrong with saying "that one's yours!" as long as there's enough time for him to prepare for it. If you don't call them, how is he ever going to know?

By the same measure, if it's in your space, a clear "I got it" is never a bad idea. Yes, it saves duplicate effort...but it also reminds the team of your value.

Seriously. I've been seeing a lot of "food allergy divorce" type searches creep up lately in my blog stats. Call the ball. 

9. Celebrate The Victories. Nobody wins every game. Some teams simply have an advantage. Winning is really not what the game is about. It really is only about doing the best you can do. 

Don't forget to celebrate together. You don't have to have an outright win to celebrate. Celebrate learning to run. Learning to just stand at the plate as the ball whizzes by your head. Learning to hold your mitt solid against the ground, even when the ball goes between your legs. If you are getting better every day, you're doing o.k.

10. Remember...It's Supposed To Be A Game. When you look back on these Glory Days, what will you remember?

Will you remember how hard it was? All the tears? The games you missed out on because you didn't have the right equipment or uniforms? The other players who taunted you and then beat your pants off?

Or will you remember the sunlight in the field? The glance between fielders and the trust that the other guy would catch the ball? That great feeling when the littlest kid on the team finally smacked it for a base hit?

This is the game. Get out there and play — and have fun!

Summer doesn't last forever.


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Walking the Street of Imaginary Grief

I really don't want to write about Aurora. But...I also haven't been able to write or think about anything else since the shooting. It cuts a little close to home for me, literally, as I lived about five blocks from both the killer's apartment and the movie theater after I graduated from college. I've thought about why that even matters to me, 25 years later, and the answer is simple: all tragedies are about me. 

It's human nature to personalize it all. We see ourselves in the shoes of the victim (and maybe even a little in the shoes of the killer, based on the amount of speculation about why he would do this). It's just a little easier in this case for me to put myself in those shoes because I actually walked those streets.

My guess, though, is that you ALL are putting yourselves in those shoes, way more, perhaps, than other mothers are right now. And, again, the reason is simple  — you've walked those streets. Not the streets of Denver around the med center, but the streets in your mind of having a child suddenly, senselessly, taken from you.

Does it do any good to walk those streets? Does it somehow keep our children safer to envision them dead? Do we try harder as a result, perhaps, to keep them safe? The answer, of course, is no. And yet, we all walk down foggy Whatif Avenue way too much.

My mother is a clinical psychologist, so I have a built-in go-to resource for this type of thing. She says the trick is to recognize when the negative thinking is occurring and then to re-frame it to a more positive thought. In other words, when you find yourself daydreaming about your child dying from an allergy, STOP the thought and substitute whatever works for you:

• I've taken every precaution and trained him well, so the likelihood of him dying is extremely small

• Most children do not die from anaphylaxis, even in situations when it's left untreated

• Only a handful of kids die each year, and the vast majority of them did not have epinephrine with them

Or, simply, "my child will not die." 

No parent wants to think about death. But thinking about it all the time is like a little death, again and again. It doesn't make us more prepared, should the worst occur. It just makes us afraid, and therefore less able to cope in an emergency.

We're surrounded by negative stories. Negative stories build web site traffic. But there's a huge irony in living in a world that is the safest it's ever been, with technology like an Epi-Pen that can save lives, yet being more afraid than past generations. Our movies are filled with shootings and deadly viruses and global warming catastrophes. Our fiction (especially our children's fiction) is increasingly dystopic.

I don't know what motivated this man to kill so many, but I do know the line between fiction and reality was awfully blurry for him. It's not realistic to only watch re-runs of The Waltons...but maybe a little less Contagion and 24-hour news would help.

It's these little things, they can pull you under 
Live your life filled with joy and thunder 
Yeah, yeah, we were altogether 
Lost in our little lives 

All of us will have cause to grieve at some point in our lives, so in that respect, we are the same as the Aurora families. However, there will be time enough for grieving when the day comes. We know we're especially vulnerable, so that's all the more reason to protect ourselves emotionally.

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