Exclusion, Accommodation, Inclusion: Three Choices For Every School

There's an excellent video out right now that demonstrates all the many places our children are left out in school:

My son has been in so many of these situations, particularly the one where there's nothing safe to eat at the classroom party and the teacher says "well gosh, guess you might as well go off to the library." 

When my son was little, allergies were fairly new to the school scene and my husband and I were afraid to ask for too much from our schools. We didn't really even know what to ask for. We certainly didn't understand that schools are mandated to include children in the "least restrictive environment." 

After 12 years in the public school system, I've learned a great deal. Unfortunately, it's too late for my own child. However, I thought the following matrix might give you parents of younger child something to think about and discuss with your schools:

Exclusion	Accommodation	Inclusion
Parents provide all special treats and are present at activities they deem problematic (resulting in lost time from work/extra expense); student sent out in the hall or to the library when there’s unsafe food in the classroom	Provided with “safe” area and own food (“treat box”)	No foods used in the classroom that are not safe for student, including holiday parties, math teaching aids, language/culture days, etc.; special classroom party fund is collected and used to purchase all treats; trained school staff member is available for field trips or other high-risk activities
Eats lunch in own area, separate from other children	Eats at an allergen-free table	Allergic child eats wherever he/she wants; children who bring peanut-containing foods sit at a specific peanut table
Cannot participate in after-school activities involving food (pancake breakfasts, sports events with concessions, ice cream socials, etc.)	School ensures there is at least one allergen-free option for the child at each event	School social events are food-free
Burden of educating staff members about allergies falls to parent and/or no education occurs	School passively disseminates information/allergy “sheet” on a limited basis, such as a classroom binder or only to the health staff	School actively trains all individuals throughout the district, including transportation staff and school volunteers
Brings lunch from home; no accommodation for forgotten lunch; school food service takes no responsibility for allergic reactions	School food service periodically provides ingredient lists to students who request it	Food service trained in cross-contamination; documented procedure with multiple check-points for allergic student lunch; identified substitute lunch available that is allergen-free

I'm sure there are many more examples we could add to this table. But it does demonstrate an important point: we need to do more than complain about how our children are treated. We also need to demonstrate what it is that we want from schools. What does inclusion really look like?

When I was a jr. high school student, I received an important lesson in inclusion. Our school had a deaf student attending. The student had an aide who would translate all lessons and spoken interactions into sign language. 

Our school administrator could have looked at the situation and said "Great - I'm done." The child was accommodated and included, at least on the surface. However, my guess is that the administrator really looked at the situation and realized that 7^th grade children were very unlikely to interact with the deaf child because of the presence of the adult interpreter. He felt compassion for this isolated child. He wanted inclusion, not just accommodation. 

The result was that every single child in that school was required to take a course in sign language. It was included in one of the elective blocks for the year. As a result, ALL of us were at least able to sign "hello" and a few key phrases to the deaf child and we delighted in showing him our new-found skills. 

I don't know if there were parents banging on the door, demanding that their children learn more useful skills. I don't know if teachers complained that the administrator was disrupting their set schedules. But I do know that child felt more included. I still remember his shy smile every time I signed "hello." 

It's ironic that our schools are investing in programs like "Character Counts" to develop core ethical values when they have an opportunity right in front of them with food-allergic kids. It just takes a commitment to truly include our kids...and a little creative thinking.

Why Cupcakes Trump Children

I recently read a Facebook vent from a woman who had her first run-in with a Cupcake Queen. For those of you who are unfamiliar:

Cupcake Queen (noun) \kəp-kāk kwēn\: a wife or widow whose royal offspring require constant feeding throughout the school day with sugar-based treats created ONLY in the royal kitchen. When confronted with the possible removal of said snacks, Cupcake Queens have been known to spew vitriol, sabotage social relationships and even target the non-royal offspring of others.

Some Cupcake Queens are immediately obvious and march right over to the superintendent's office to complain the day they receive the "your child has a child in their class with allergies" letter. Others are more subtle and only show their true colors when it's class party time:

Allergic child's mother: "I'd really like Susie to be able to participate in the class party this year."

Cupcake Queen: "Yes, we all totally agree. So I'll make the cupcakes and Susie's Mom, you can do the decorations."

ACM: "If you make the cupcakes, Susie won't be able to eat them. What if I make them, or we purchase the cupcakes from a safe source?"

CQ: "Well,we could do that..."

Any of you with older children know how this ends up. The Cupcake Queen brings the cupcakes no matter what you say. The teacher hands them out because she doesn't want to deal with a bully. Susie watches everyone else eat the delicious cupcake while she chews on her fruit snacks and hides in the corner, not wanting to make a fuss, not wanting the other kids to see she's upset. Not understanding why it isn't her party too.

What in the world is going through the Cupcake Queen's head when she sees that little girl, on the verge of tears, watching everyone else eat those cupcakes? What warped values system allows her to marginalize another child just so her child can have the treat? Many years of watching these Cupcake Queens in their own habitat have allowed me to draw some conclusions:

• The cupcake isn't just a cupcake. For some CQs, the cupcake represents "full out mother love". A purchased cupcake, or one that came from the hands of another mother, just doesn't jive with the idealized childhood school experience the CQ either did or did not have, and now wants (WANTS!) for her child. Cupcakes are also one of the few opportunities some moms who stay home have to show off their mothering skills in a public forum.

• Control...who has it, who doesn't. Cupcake Queens are control freaks and usually Queen Bees. Controlling classroom treats is really about controlling other people.

• Competition. It isn't that the Cupcake Queen doesn't see your child, but she puts the needs of her own children first. She knows that in life, some kids end up "winners" and some "losers" and your kid is likely already a loser, so why invest time? 

• Lack of empathy. Some Cupcake Queens really just don't see the tears as any big deal. "It's the real world - she's going to just have to learn to suck it up" is the type of statement you'll often hear from them.

Ironically, Cupcake Queens occasionally have children with food allergies. These are the parents who are willing to bulldoze through the school to fight for their child's -- and only their child's -- rights. These parents don't do the rest of us any favors, as administrators can get burned out by unreasonable demands to the point that they won't make any accommodations without a huge battle.

America's focus on individualism ensures that there will be at least one narcissistic mother in your child's classroom. Sometimes common sense and altruism from other moms will save the day, but odds are there will come a time when you have to decide whether to fight the CQ, back down and let your child experience exclusion, or try to get the school administration to either make or enforce rules about food in classrooms. (See my earlier post about lip service.)

Unfortunately, there is no winning strategy. Schools do not want to get involved and have fought hard to categorize food allergies as a non-504-eligible disability. Recent lawsuits in the area have been mixed. That means your school is likely to go with the path of least resistance, which results in administration basically ignoring what goes on in the classrooms with regard to food and parties.

Taking on Cupcake Queens successfully depends on your social savvy and support group. As a working mom with limited social ties in the schools, I never won these battles, but I have heard (from the friend of a friend's cousin's friend) of supportive communities where children are included and bullies vanquished.

Or, there's the route we ended up taking: having one parent quit a job and always be there with an alternate treat. This is clearly not something every family can afford financially and it only works up until about 5^th grade, after which the child is mortified by "being different" and would prefer to just slink down in his chair, hoping that the other kids don't notice he's not eating.

They do get used to it. It does make them stronger. As a result of their experiences, our children generally are more empathetic than the children of the Cupcake Queens. But it's tough to look ahead to that outcome when your child comes home miserable and withdrawn yet again.

When my son was a fourth-grader, my mother had HAD ENOUGH of the cupcake queens. She heard my stories about how the class party was going to be filled with treats my son could not have, so she showed up with a homemade three-tier cake.

It was amazing - a work of art. It had pillars and squigglies and more candy than the witch's house in Hansel & Gretel. She brought it into the classroom and said "Grandson, this is for YOU." The implication that it was for him alone was clear. The other mothers bristled.

And just as the silence and tension peaked, a little girl next to my son said "can I please have a piece?"

And my son said "yes, of course, EVERYONE can try my cake!"

Everyone. What a concept. Damn cupcakes.

"Hello Muddah" - Food Allergies Version

I think this one "speaks" for itself without a great deal of explanation. Enjoy!

Hello, Muddah Video 

"I Need A Safe Treat RIGHT NOW!"

In my last post, "Your lips are moving", I talked about how unresponsive my son's schools were. That was over 10 years ago. However, the feedback I've received about the post tells me that, unfortunately, things haven't changed much.

So...I thought it might be helpful for the newbies out there to have a few options in your back pocket for the days when the teacher calls and says "I'm so sorry, but Johnnie brought birthday cupcakes without telling me in advance and the kids have already seen them so I'm going to have to hand them out. Can you run by with something for YOUR child?"

Yes, it sucks that the options are pony up an instant treat...or have our kids left out...but sometimes that's the best we can get out of the world, and for those times I present:

EMERGENCY TREATS 101*

If you have only 5 minutes:

FRUIT TARTS
Clearbrook Farms tart fillings
Keebler Ready Crust mini graham cracker shells

Fill and go!

MINT "GIRL SCOUT" TYPE COOKIES

Town House crackers (or any safe buttery-type cracker)
1 cup powdered sugar
A few drops mint flavoring
Safe chocolate chips (Enjoy Life, Whole Foods 365, whatever you use)

Add mint flavoring and enough water to the sugar to make a thick, but spreadable icing. Melt chocolate in the microwave and either spread or drizzle over the top of the crackers. These taste just like mint Girl Scout cookies! Really! Plus, they will harden in the car as you're driving to the school.

CHOCOLATE PRETZEL RODS

No instructions needed...just reminding you that kids are very happy with a chocolate-dipped pretzel rod, particularly if you roll it in cake sprinkles.

ITALIAN TRIFLE

This is really easy and surprisingly good! I know the Rich Whip is hard to find, but it's worth the effort.

1 carton Rich's Rich Whip 

Whip until creamy, about 5 minutes, If it's frozen, you can microwave it to get it to thaw and it will still whip.

Add while whipping:

1 Tbsp. instant (decaf) coffee, reconstituted with hot water
1/4 cup safe chocolate syrup

Crush and mix in:

Lorna Doone cookies  (we always use the 100 calorie packs - check the larger sizes to make sure they're safe)
Candied cherries (if you like)

Fill muffin cups with the mixture. Yes, there is not much real food in there, but occasionally in an emergency, it's not the worst thing in the world. Or at least that's what I tell myself.

If you have 10 or more minutes:

CHOCOLATE SUNBUTTER BARS

1 cup sugar
1 cup corn syrup
1 1/2 cups Sunbutter (stir before adding)

Bring this to a boil over the stove, or as hot as you can get it in the time you have. When it's hot/boiling, remove from heat and add 5 cups cereal (Product 19 works well but you can use just about any corn- or rice-based cereal).

"Butter" a 9 x 13 pan and spread mixture. Sprinkle safe chocolate chips across the top. Place pan next to you on the passenger-side seat and spread melting chips with a spoon at stop lights.

"ICE CREAM" PIE

This is awesome! My kids ask me to make this all the time.

One sleeve of Oreos (about 20 cookies, I think)
6 Tbsps. safe margarine
1/3 cup sugar

Crush the cookies in a plastic bag. Melt margarine in the microwave in a glass pie pan. Add sugar and cookies and stir. Once mixed, press around the sides of the pie pan. Don't worry about the cookie filling - it just make it better!

Heat a pint-size safe tub of ice cream substitute for 20 seconds. Dump onto crust and spread. (Again, if it's not melted enough, this part can be done at stoplights.) Sprinkle with chocolate chips, chocolate sauce, mini marshmallows...basically the more bling, the better.

For the veterans: what are your go-to emergency (and I use the word loosely) recipes?

*Obviously I can't cover every allergen. These are tailored to my son's major allergens: milk, soy, peanuts, tree nuts (we do not avoid soy oil/lecithin). Most also don't contain egg. CHECK EVERY LABEL!